The Feral Housewife
My bro-in-law sent me this meme and it struck a chord that probably resonates with many of my readers and friends.
Signs You’re a Feral Housewife
- You can eat off your floors. Literally. Like there’s cereal, dried rice, and probably some pet food reduced to dust. In case of a nuclear attack, you’ve got at least one meal waiting under the dust bunnies.
- None of your friends are part of an MLM scheme. You don’t have time for those kinds of friends or parties. Your friends’ side hustles include free-lance editing, an Etsy store selling handcrafted jewelry, and writing erotic romance under a pseudonym, all of which add to the margarita money for your nights out. Olé.
- You’re well-read and your reading list includes everything from non-fiction to Jane Austen, Agatha Christie, and Ruby Dixon. 70:30 Dixon.
- The pizza delivery guy delivers on Friday even when you don’t place an order, because he knows you forgot, and he’s got your back. Plus, you tip 30%.
- You leave parent-teacher conferences confused as to what kind of magic occurs that turns your rancid, potty-mouthed, unappreciative teen into this years’ service award winner…and then you worry that they’ve set the bar way too low.
- After a weekend away with the hubs, you come home to a spotless house and two sleepy teenagers. You choose to ignore the fact that the stack of Solo-cups is missing, and the dog is now pink and focus on the fact everyone has their limbs intact and you and the hubs needed that weekend away.
- Your ceiling fan is now unbalanced due to the weight of the dust accumulated on top. You remind yourself to get to it after the laundry, Sisyphus.
- You pick dried food off plates from the dishwasher rather than soaking them and rewashing them, reasoning that food particle has been sanitized.
- People comment on the family photo hanging above your fireplace without realizing that it took two hours, threats of bodily harm, and serious photoshopping skills to make it look like the kids were all smiling, looking at the camera, and touching each other and not the diabolical, duplicitous, demons they are when assembled.
- You refer to your friends as your coven.