*This WTF article should be read with a grain of salt (preferably sitting on top of a French fry) and tongue in cheek.
Ben Kassoy’s article in GQ offers six rules for casual sex, and as a romance author I was curious what the “rules” for a hook-up should be. I was expecting something like, don’t floss in bed, no farting – even in jest, or something more substantial like, have your friend track your phone. However, he was more pragmatic and it was rather… disconcerting.
Honestly, the article isn’t written for middle-aged housewives and romance authors. First of all, I’m happily married and my idea of casual sex is leaving my socks on. Yeah, I’m rocking it. Secondly, casual hookups seem too awkward. I’m sure there’s many amazing people out there that are totally comfortable in their own skin. Even in my twenties and skinny, I was not that person. I remember while delivering my oldest daughter thinking, “Wow, I used to be able to count the number of people who have seen me naked on one hand.” Third, and there are SO many reasons casual sex isn’t for me, I need the emotional connection. Sex without it is like masturbating with a stranger. Why bother with the middle man?
I considered what my rules would be for casual sex. Admittedly, I went to high school in the Reagan Era and Nancy’s “just say no” comes to mind whenever I contemplate anything above a venial sin. I understand wanting to feel attractive, enjoying flirtations, and having a physical connection, but without the emotional connection, I’m just not motivated. So, here are my rules for romance readers.
TOBI’S RULES FOR CASUAL SEX FOR ROMANCE READERS
- If you read historical or shifter romance… TREAD CAREFULLY. You are the purest believer in love at first sight, the immediate connection that ends with an amazing happily-ever-after. Before considering bumping the uglies, ask yourself, what would Jane Austen do?
- If you read contemporary romance, and your suitor is a cowboy, a millionaire, a firefighter, or any other branch of public service… ask for proof. In this Darwinian mating dance, fully expect your peacock to be wearing pasted on feathers that will molt in the bedroom.
- If you read erotica or paranormal romance ask your suitor how they feel about tentacles. It’s a real ice-breaker, believe me;)
- Remember that your suitor considers this casual one-and-done sex, or perhaps a regularly scheduled scratching of an itch. In a week, will you be cringing or thrilled that you had a moment of hedonistic humping?
- Most importantly, make sure all bodily fluids are contained. Seriously. Here’s where my daughter’s scream, “Mom, stop!”, but ladies and gentlemen, they make flavored condoms because STD’s can be swallowed. Really.